Out of Silence Read online

  “Hey, Ruby, would you like to go to a movie this weekend?”

  “I would like that.”

  “Great. I’ll pick you up this Friday at 7:30.”

  “Perfect.”

  Their first date was a drive-in movie. She didn’t remember the name of the movie or much about the story, because they were too busy kissing and petting. She quickly became aware that his interest in sex was greater than hers. Jason became aroused and tried to force himself on her. She pushed him away; she wasn’t ready. They had just met. In fact, she wasn’t even aroused like him. She felt so inexperienced. He apologized and promised he could wait.

  Ruby was starting to feel some different twinges and tingling in and around her groin. These sensations were new to her, and to her surprise, she was enjoying them. They made her happy. Of course, she only felt these spasms when he was touching her and kissing her body. This must be love, she thought.

  For their next date, they went to another drive-in movie. He once again constantly pledged his love for her. He told her how much he loved her beautiful slim body, her curves, her full breasts and her hard nipples. Oh, how he enjoyed sucking her nipples. She kind of liked that too and encouraged him to continue. When he touched her between her legs and rubbed his hands up and down the inside of her thighs, she held her breath, because this brought on very new sensations that made her squirm. They were hot twinges that made her feel like her lower body was on fire.

  Just before the movie was over, he asked, “Ruby, would you do something really special for me?”

  “I guess … what do you want me to do?”

  “You could give me amazing pleasure by using your hand. Here, I’ll show you,” he said taking her hand and gently wrapping it around his very erect cock. “Oh! Wow! That feels wonderful,” Jason said as he drew in a gasp of air as if he was having trouble catching his breath when she touched his penis.

  She really didn’t understand what holding this oversized penis in her hand was going to do for him. This was a very new experience for her. Curiosity and the desire to please him allowed her to step out of her comfort zone and follow his instructions. After all, they were dating like real grown-ups, and she wanted to continue seeing him.

  Even though she had never done this before, she hesitantly held on and moved her hand up and down, up and down, caressing him just as she was instructed. She really did want to make him happy, but most of all, she wanted to stop him from pressuring her for sex.

  “You’re really very sexy. Every time I see you, I want you so much,” he said. “I can’t wait until I can have you. That’s good. Keep going. Don’t stop. Ahhh … you make me feel amazing. You are so good at this. Wow!” His body stiffened, he groaned, and then with a big sigh, his body slumped. When he gained his composure, he said, “Thank you so much. I feel like I’m floating on a cloud.” His pleasure had come quickly.

  Chapter 3

  September 1955

  Jason lived in Oshawa, a town about forty-five minutes away, but he made the drive to see her frequently over the next three weeks. They spent most of their time together, kissing and petting all evening long. Of course, Jason begged for relief each time. Each time she found this deed less appealing, even though she was becoming quite accomplished at bringing him to a climax with her hands.

  She was so naïve. She fell hook, line and sinker for his smooth talk and allowed him to touch parts of her body that had never been touched by a boy before.

  By the fifth week, he became even more aggressive and seemed to be less patient with her resistance of his advances. I wonder if I need to give in to his persistent demands just to keep him interested in me, she thought. I really am unsure about this sex thing.

  He told her, “Ruby, I have lots of experience with intercourse. We should go all the way. I promise to be gentle. I’ll teach you the wonders of making love. I can make you feel amazingly wonderful. Please believe me; it is the happiest feeling you will ever have.

  I’ve never been in love before, she thought, so I’m not totally convinced, but I am pretty sure that I’m in love with him. He says he loves me too. What’s the harm in exploring? He says that everybody else is doing it. Why not me too?

  Later that week, after some very heated foreplay and the removal of most of their clothing, she had to make a decision. What is it that I’m waiting for? I want to feel the way he does when I make him come with my hand. I want to know what all the fuss is about. I also want to get rid of the tingling inside me.

  She found herself panting with desire. Her aching crotch felt like it was going to explode. She didn’t know what was happening down there or why she felt like this. But she wanted him to ease her discomfort. Jason told her he knew how to make that tingling feeling really amazing. He said he could show her how to get a wonderful climax.

  Ruby tried explaining her nervousness and hesitation to Jason. She shyly stated, “But I’m a virgin. I’ve never been with someone like that … you know, like, sexually. But when I’m near you, I have these amazing feelings, and I don’t know what’s going on inside me.”

  He appealed to her, knowing how vulnerable she was at that moment. “Trust me. I promise, I’ll guide you through our first lovemaking experience.” He again pressured her: “This will be a very special experience for you. I promise.”

  She thought, He’s so kind and gentle, and such a gentleman. I have to do it. I want to do it.

  Ruby was more excited and horny than she ever thought a person could be. Truthfully, she knew nothing about being horny. One thing she did know for sure—she wanted relief. Squirming with anticipation and that nagging twitch that needed to be satisfied, she agreed.

  He was tender and careful. He cautioned her, “You’re a virgin, so your hymen is still intact. I will need to thrust my penis with a little more force than usual just to push through and into your vagina.” He presented himself as sort of an expert by using technical jargon.

  He did push hard. She tried desperately not to react to the sharp pain. She did all the appropriate moaning and groaning, but then there was nothing. I guess I didn’t know what I was doing. The tingling hasn’t completely gone, but I feel better with his post-climax hugging and kissing. Maybe next time!

  Driving back home, Ruby volunteered, “It did hurt, but for only a moment.” She added, “You forgot to mention the blood. I think I spoiled my skirt.” This gave Ruby a little concern.

  Chapter 4

  Fall 1955

  The rest of that fall, they made love several times on the back seat of his Studebaker, on their local sandy beach, in a wooded area just off the trail, in her bedroom with her family downstairs, and anywhere else they could. Even though she enjoyed his gratification, the desired feeling of satisfaction was not there for her. Even so, they were the horniest couple that couldn’t keep their hands off each other for the next three months.

  Ruby, in an attempt to educate herself about her part in lovemaking, bought and read every magazine that had an article about sex. These were not exactly teaching tools, as they never really explained to her how to get satisfaction when having sex with the man she loved. This was what she really wanted to know.

  Late in the fall, Ruby started to notice changes in her body. It didn’t help that she had the flu. She was throwing up every morning lately. Her breasts were getting larger. Jason liked her larger, more sensuous breasts. He couldn’t keep his hands off them. He brushed too close by when he passed her or handed her something. He was addicted to her body. Ruby felt more sensual and desired. She was unaware that the change was actually her hormones raging.

  She checked her personal calendar and realized that her periods had stopped a few weeks ago. She assumed this might be what happens when you have the flu. But the flu symptoms didn’t go away.

  Wait, what’s going on here? Oh my God. Am I pregnant? The very idea of pregnancy jolted her. I’m confused. What if I’m real
ly going to have a baby? That can’t be. I’m only 16.

  She checked medical encyclopaedias, books, magazines and any other sources that mentioned the word pregnancy. She had lots of questions, but she was more desperate than ever for answers.

  She wanted to get rid of the flu with Christmas only a week away. They were a large family—five brothers and two sisters, plus spouses and numerous nieces and nephews. Christmas was a huge event when everyone congregated at her parents’ house. Gifts were exchanged first, and then an enormous turkey dinner with all of the fixings was devoured.

  She didn’t tell her mother about her flu or the other concern. If she didn’t think about it, maybe it would just go away.

  Chapter 5

  Ruby at Age 11

  Ruby remembered times when she had witnessed her mom’s bitterness toward members of the family—many times. She didn’t understand what was behind her mom’s negativity. It might have helped if she did, but Sarah didn’t share her feelings. Maybe she just didn’t know how.

  Ruby’s mother was short at five foot nothing. She was very overweight, with several serious ailments. She needed to inject herself with insulin twice each day. Her bad health was not conducive to developing and nurturing healthy relationships with her children or friends.

  Ruby thought about other members of her dysfunctional family. Don, her father, considered himself to be a ladies’ man. He frequently had affairs with younger women—some as young as her 15 years older sister, Martha. The whole family knew of his preference for younger females. Even now that he was over sixty, his facial skin was smooth and wrinkle-free due to the steam-powered presses he used every day on clothing. He boasted it was like working in a steam bath. He seemed shorter than his stated height of 5 foot 2 inches, as he now had a thick waist with a small pot belly. His sky-blue eyes, one of his most attractive features, were still clear. Of the seven siblings, only two in Ruby’s family had the physical appearance of Don—fair hair, wide hips and blue eyes. Ruby was one.

  Ruby understood her mother’s absolute and complete hatred of men—especially Don, her unfaithful husband. His behaviour had tainted Sarah, and she became very bitter. Family members knew there was no love or kindness coming from Sarah. She had been hurt too deeply. Ruby wondered if this was why she was not a forgiving woman.

  Ruby remembered an important time in her past that made her realize her mother would not be there for her now. On Ruby’s eleventh birthday, she discovered blood in her panties during a weekend family outing to the local fairgrounds. She was shocked and afraid something awful was happening to her. She was bleeding from somewhere between her legs—from where, she didn’t know. It continued all weekend. She remembered thinking, What’s going on? Why am I bleeding?

  Monday morning, she went to school with a wad of tissue stuffed into the crotch of her panties. I hope I don’t bleed onto my clothes during class. She wore a dark skirt just in case and frequently visited the washroom to change the padding, as there was more blood than Ruby had ever seen before. She knew her mom would be angry if she ruined her skirt.

  When Ruby arrived home after school that Monday, her mother was out. Her older married sister Martha met her at the second-floor landing. Martha was living at home temporarily, with her husband and two daughters, as they waited for their newly built house to be ready. Martha was fifteen years older than Ruby. She looked like many of the other family members with her hazel eyes and dark brown—almost black—very short hair and olive skin. It was amazing how much she looked like their mother. Her husband, Charlie, was fun, always joking around. His humour often pulled Martha out of her depressive moods.

  Martha handed Ruby a box of sanitary napkins and said, “Here. Use these for the bleeding, and don’t let any boy touch you down there.”

  “How did you know?” Ruby asked.

  “Ma saw your underwear when she washed your clothes this morning. So she asked me to give these to you,” Martha said, again pointing to the box of napkins.

  “But why am I bleeding?” Ruby asked.

  “Oh, don’t worry. It’s okay. Your body is maturing now. Everything will be fine.” Martha did her best to reassure Ruby.

  Ruby questioned in her mind, Is this the sex talk my friends say they had with their mothers? Ruby wondered if her mother didn’t know how to broach the subject of menstruation, never mind sex and pregnancy. Maybe it wasn’t Ruby she was really mad at after all. Maybe she was mad at herself for not telling Ruby anything about intercourse or the dangers and the consequences of having unprotected sex.

  Sarah had grown up in a very strict English home in the early 1900s. She and her family immigrated to Canada from Wales when Sarah was just 6 years old. Her mother, Ruby’s grandmother, died during Sarah’s very early teenage years.

  Ruby thought, It’s funny how the events of one’s life are like a chain reaction. We teach our children what we are taught. Ruby secretly hoped she would be able to break the mould.

  Still rehashing the events of years gone by, Ruby remembered a particular event that had a major impact on her young mind. She was 12 years old when she learned her father was a pedophile. This was not something she set out to learn, but she was volunteered by her mother and older sister to be “the watcher.” Her responsibilities consisted of watching out for the young girls around the house—Ruby’s friends or any other young female visitors. Specifically, when the girls were in her father’s company, Ruby was assigned the task of letting one of the older female family members—like her mother, sister, or sisters-in-law—know that so-and-so was sitting on Dad’s lap. Ruby hated that role as much as she hated her father at that point. One thing Ruby knew for sure was that her children would never be left alone with their grandfather.

  Another month and still no period, she made an appointment with the doctor. He had been their family physician for as far back as she could remember. The doctor’s receptionist responded to Ruby’s request for an appointment: “Will 10:00 a.m. next Tuesday work for you?”

  “Yes, thank you.”

  Chapter 6

  Unwanted News

  With a severe case of nerves, Ruby arrived at the doctor’s office. She concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other, fearing she might stumble. Hesitantly, she ambled into the reception area and approached the wicket. In a subdued voice, she said to the young lady wearing a white uniform, “Ruby Dalton for my ten o’clock appointment.”

  Ruby was relieved when the receptionist invited her to have a seat. She wasn’t sure she could stand on her wobbly legs much longer.

  The whole time she waited, her heart was pounding. Dreading the receptionist’s voice, she finally heard, “Miss Dalton, the doctor will see you now.”

  Walking hesitantly, she made her way down the hall to the cold sterile examination room. Nurse Jane walked alongside and attempted to draw more information from Ruby. “Can you tell me why you’re here to see the doctor?”

  Ruby seemed to be inspecting the floor. Afraid to make eye contact, she kept her eyes focused down. In a faint voice, she said, “I think I have the flu. I’ve been throwing up a lot lately.”

  “How are your periods?” Nurse Jane asked.

  Ruby immediately feared the nurse suspected something other than the flu. How did she know?

  “I haven’t had a period for more than a month,” Ruby quietly shared, as if it were a secret.

  Nurse Jane led her to the examination table. “Please remove everything from the waist down. Get up on this table and put the sheet over you. The doctor will be in shortly.”

  Lying very still on the thin paper that covered the elevated table, Ruby tried not to move because the crinkling sounded like glass breaking. All alone in the examination room, which had a slightly antiseptic odour, Ruby nervously waited for what seemed like an eternity. Her thoughts were running rampant. If I’m pregnant, what will Doctor Martin think of me? Will he think I’m a bad pe
rson? I’m so scared. What am I going to do? Her stomach growled.

  She was quickly brought back to reality when the doctor entered the room and said, “Hello, Ruby. I haven’t seen you for quite some time. How’s your mother?” Doctor Martin could see how frightened Ruby was and tried to ease the tension.

  “Mom’s okay. She still gets those bad headaches.” Ruby was willing to play the game and put off the inevitable diagnosis.

  “That’s too bad. I believe she has an appointment later this week. But you came to see me. Tell me why you’re here?” he asked in his most personable reassuring voice.

  “I think I have the flu,” she said, sticking to the diagnosis that would please her most.

  “Nurse Jane tells me that you missed your last period. Is that right?”

  “Yes,” she said. Lowering her gaze, she responded in an almost inaudible voice, “Probably because of the flu. I’ve been throwing up a lot.” Then she shivered more from the thought of pregnancy than the coolness of the sterile room.

  Putting on stretchy vinyl gloves now covered with a clear gooey substance, he said, “Okay, let me examine you, and maybe we will know more.”

  The examination was humiliating and a little painful. The doctor looked up at her with a puzzled expression. “Are you sexually active?”

  “Yes,” she whispered, changing her sight line to the window beyond Doctor Martin. She also wondered if it made a difference if she wasn’t enjoying sex.

  “Sorry, Ruby, I think you’re about three months pregnant. I took a uterine swab, but I’m pretty sure my first diagnosis is correct. I’ll send this sample to the lab to be tested.”

  She knew before he finished his first sentence that she did not have the flu. Thank goodness I’m lying down, or I’d likely faint.