Out of Silence Read online

  “Why are you blaming me? You’re the one who turned into the wrong lane, not me.” Ruby knew from past experience she would pay dearly for defending herself.

  When they arrived home, he stayed civil until the sitter left.

  Once alone, Ruby asked, “Was that woman you were kissing your boss? Are you having an affair? Tell me. What’s going on here?”

  He refused to discuss his indiscretion. “It’s none of your damn business. If you weren’t so incapable of having good sex, I wouldn’t need to look elsewhere.”

  “You know that’s not true. Why would you say that?” she retorted. “True, I don’t feel like having sex with you when you make out with one of your coworkers. Answer me, was that woman Jackie your new boss?”

  “What does it matter? You’ll never see her again.”

  “So that’s who she is, your boss. How l—”

  “You’re asking for trouble. Just shut up!” He glared at her with his most frightening look.

  “Why not tell me?” she pushed.

  “None of you’re bus—”

  “How long have you been screwing her?”

  “My business is my busi—”

  “As usual, you’re thinking with the wrong part of your body.”

  This comment angered him beyond any past episodes of brutality. He grabbed her hair and pulled her head back with such force that he knocked her off her feet. She groaned when her knees slammed onto the floor.

  “Let go, Jason, stop. Stop. Please stop.” She felt the most intense pain, plus a burning sensation on her scalp like it was on fire. Her hands desperately tried to hold her hair to her head. She worried that he might actually pull her hair out by the roots.

  She stopped screaming and bit her lip instead. She feared her cries would wake up the children. I hope they didn’t hear me. It would be just too horrifying for them to see their mommy suffering like this.

  Dizzy and shaken, she pleaded, “Jason, let go. You’re hurting me. Please stop. I will do better. I promise.”

  He let go of her hair only to tightly grip her right arm. He hauled her to her feet and pummelled her body with the clenched fist of his other hand. His face was so close she felt a wet spray on her face.

  “Stop hitting me! Please don’t hit me again. Just tell me what you want me to do,” she pleaded. “I’m so sorry that I embarrassed you in front of your friends. I’m really sorry that I pried. I promise I’ll never do that again.”

  “You’re damn right you won’t, because I’ll never take you out again, ever. I should put all of us out of our misery.”

  Oh my God. He’s going to kill us all just like he’s threatened to so many times.

  It felt like her whole body was screaming with pain. I’m so tired of being his punching bag. Ruby wept.

  Once her arm was freed, she struggled to move away from him. She bent over with her head down to stop the dizziness. She feared she would faint. Oh! Oh! My head hurts so much. She closed her eyes and gently supported her head in her hands just because it made her feel better. Maybe I should go to the hospital and get checked out? No, no, what am I thinking? I can’t do that. He’ll be really angry if I even suggest telling anyone or talk about getting help.

  He hurled another barrage of deprecating warnings and promises of the physical beatings and psychological torture in store for her if she ever crossed him again. He raised his blood- covered fist and threatened to punch her once more. She jerked back.

  He sneered, “I’m tired of you humiliating me in front of my friends. You’re such a drag. Why did I get stuck with you? You probably got yourself pregnant on purpose just to trap me.”

  Ruby cowered beside a bookcase, wishing she was invisible to him.

  “I know how malicious you can be. If I had figured you out long ago, I wouldn’t be confined like a prisoner in this useless marriage. It seems obvious to me that you were desperate to get away from your family, and no one else wanted you.”

  On and on it went. It never changed. Everything bad was her fault. Ruby was the prisoner in the marriage and wished she knew how to escape from her hell.

  Ruby shifted left and out of Jason’s reach. She quietly whispered, “I’m going to bed.”

  She readied for bed. Fleetingly, she peeked in the mirror at her stripped-down aching body. She gasped at the new red and purple injuries that started to appear over older yellowish bruises. What a mess I am. No wonder he treats me like I’m nobody. This evening was entirely my fault—I shouldn’t have talked back to him. She lay on her side of the bed still as a corpse, pretending to be asleep. Tears escaped and trickled across her cheeks onto her pillow.

  A few minutes later, Jason joined her in bed.

  “Ruby you know that I really do love you. You’re still and will always be my special lady. C’mon, let’s make love.” He spoke ever so softly in his sickly syrupy voice. He tried to snuggle up to her. He kissed her neck, nibbled on her ears and fondled her breasts. “I’m horny. Let’s make out, okay?”

  “No. Go away. Leave me alone.” It’s not natural, I know, but I cringe when he comes near me. Just the thought of him touching my body right now makes my skin crawl.

  “Come on, baby. I’m so sorry. You know I’m crazy about you.”

  Ruby was sore, angry and mortified by the events of earlier that evening. She winced at the metallic taste of blood from her now swollen lip. “Please don’t. I just want to go to sleep. Leave me alone. Don’t … Jason … You’re hurting me.” She recoiled from the unbearably strong smell of liquor on his breath.

  Ruby knew deep down that Jason had already decided he was going to have sex, come hell or high water. He forced himself on her. He was aroused by either the act of making out with the other woman or the physical abuse. She never knew which one turned him on more. Jason tried to force himself into Ruby’s mouth. She buried her head in her pillow. “No, leave me alone. I’m not interested.” She pushed him away.

  Jason, committed to having his gratification, flipped her onto her back and selfishly drove his large aroused penis into her dry unwilling vagina. He settled for intercourse with or without her participation.

  She held her breath, closed her eyes and suffered in silence. I will not cry out. He must know how much that hurts. This pain is excruciating. It feels like he’s ripping my insides apart. He always wants to control me, but this is torture.

  Ruby escaped by letting her mind drift back to a very special midnight cruise and a memorable birthday. That was such a wonderful evening—dancing cheek-to-cheek and later strolling arm-in-arm around the promenade deck. She fell head over heels in love with him that night. He was so kind and considerate, and such a gentleman. We were gently rocked by the ship gliding through the calm waters. When the ship arrived back at our home port, we held each other, whispering sweet nothings into each other’s ears. Our hearts were filled to the brim with hopes and happy thoughts. Oh so very peaceful.

  Mechanically, Jason came, removed himself and rolled over to his side of the bed. He angrily spat at her, “You’re a cold fish, Ruby. I don’t know why I waste my time on you.”

  She lay there like a discarded old rag. She felt worthless and used.

  Once again, he had raped her.

  Ruby yearned to be free of the monster lying next to her. How could I have ever thought that I loved him? I hate him so much. If only he would just go away. Will I ever be free of his abuse? Why does he always make me the guilty one?

  Silently, she cried herself to sleep, wishing she was dead.

  Chapter 2

  Back to the Beginning: 1955

  As Ruby drove to work the next day, “Rock Around the Clock” blasted from the radio of their 1966 Chevy. Ruby loved Bill Haley and the Comets. Singing along took her back to the fifties—and to the event that changed her life forever.

  It was July 1955. Ruby’s sixteenth birthday was jus
t two weeks away.

  She was a slender well-developed gal with an athletic body and firm muscles from running in competitions. Ruby was pretty, with blonde hair and blue eyes, and she was popular with her peers. Her fair complexion and full-busted body worked well with her choice of pastel colours and her hip teen style. She was mature both physically and mentally beyond her years.

  Her best friend, Debbie—everyone’s sweetheart—suggested that they should do something special for Ruby’s memorable day. Deb had a nicely proportioned petite frame, very curly shoulder-length blond hair and the bluest of blue eyes, plus a cute mole on her right cheek just below her eye.

  Deb had read in the travel section of the Saturday newspaper about the coolest midnight cruise. It took place every Saturday evening during the summer. The ship traveled to Niagara-on-the-Lake and then back, arriving in their home port of Toronto about two in the morning. Deb enthusiastically insisted that this midnight cruise would be the best and most perfect place to celebrate Ruby’s sweet 16, making it unforgettable.

  “Debbie, I agree, it would be amazing, but have you asked your mother yet?”

  “Yes. She said if your mom agrees, she’ll let me go.”

  “Thanks for the pressure. You know my mom. She can be difficult, and getting her permission may not happen. Cross your fingers, girl.”

  Ruby wrinkled up her nose as she entered the kitchen. She hated the awful smell of the overcooked cabbage that would be her dinner tonight. Her mother, Sarah, as was her habit, sat at the chrome and laminate kitchen table reading the evening edition of their local newspaper as she waited for their dinner to cook—or overcook, according to Ruby’s nose.

  Ruby’s childhood home was built by her grandfather shortly after his family arrived in Canada from London, England, in 1906. It was a large three-story red brick house with gray wood verandas the width of the house on both the first and second floors. Three generous principle rooms took up the first floor, and there was a total of five bedrooms on the two floors above. The furnishings were old antiques, but this feature was lost on modern Ruby. The bathroom had a tub—a deep claw-footed one—was located on the second floor.

  Apprehensively, Ruby approached her mother. “Mom, Debbie and I want to celebrate my birthday by going on a midnight cruise. It travels to Niagara-on-the-Lake every Saturday evening. Mom, please, can I go? Please?

  “You’re only 15,” her mother said without changing her focus from the newspaper.

  “We’ll stay together. Don’t worry. You know we’re responsible.”

  Her mother didn’t respond.

  “I’ll be 16 in four days. Lots of people my age go out on short trips like this. You don’t need to worry. We’ll be okay. Please,” Ruby begged.

  “Stop pestering me. You’re both too young to be out that late by yourselves. You really don’t know what can happen to innocent young girls. There are some really bad people preying on them.”

  “I promise you, we’ll stay together. We’ll go directly from the streetcar to the ship and then do the same when we get back. I promise, we won’t talk to any strangers,” she begged—being very careful not to mention that the ship didn’t dock until 2:00 a.m.

  “If you get into trouble out there, I will not be coming to your rescue,” her mother warned.

  Sarah was old-fashioned and very strict. She hadn’t allowed Ruby to go to the evening movies or on a date, even with a group of her neighbourhood friends, until Ruby was past 13. She held a tight rein on her daughter. Often, Ruby had been told by her mother that men were bad news. After seven children, Sarah understood what men wanted and the consequences of their lust. The last three pregnancies were change-of-life babies, Ruby being one of those born after her mother was 40 years old. Ruby recognized that her mother was tired.

  “Mom, please. I’ll be very careful. I have money saved up, so I’ll pay for the trip with my savings and the next few weeks’ allowances. You know that Deb and I have been good friends for a very long time. We’ll look out for each other.”

  Ruby continued to make her case. She could see her mother was wavering a little. Ruby knew her gray-haired mother was worn out, not all that healthy and overweight, which seemed to sap her of her energy.

  Finally, Sarah looked up at Ruby. “It goes against my better judgment to let you go. I think it’s not wise for you two to go by yourselves.” Sarah just didn’t have much fight left in her.

  “Mom, please!” Ruby begged to give that little extra nudge.

  “Okay … okay, go,” Sarah gave in, and then deep in thought shook her head from side to side and turned her focus back to her newspaper. She continued reading as if the discussion had never taken place.

  Ruby ran out the door and across the street to Debbie’s house. She wanted to share the great news. Deb hardly had the front door open when Ruby shouted, “I can go! I can go! My mother said I can go! I can’t believe it. My mother agreed.” Ruby grinned from ear to ear as she skipped a few happy steps.

  Debbie clapped her hands to her cheeks and joined Ruby, half-skipping and half-jumping for joy alongside to show her delight. “We’re going to have the most amazing time.”

  With their mothers’ permission and sufficient money saved, they booked their passage. Both were ecstatic at the prospect of a romantic interlude. The girls spent the next two weeks fantasizing about the sensational fun they were going to have aboard ship.

  It seemed like it took forever, but their special Saturday finally arrived—and none too soon, either. They had nearly worn themselves out with stories of fairy tale adventures; meeting their Prince Charming; and anticipating what could be the most incredible evening.

  Once onboard the small cruise ship, they took a little tour. The glass-enclosed main deck included a full-service dining room with white tablecloths, fine china and sterling silver cutlery. Waiters and a maître d’, all in spiffy white uniforms, waited to serve.

  “This is too rich for us,” Ruby admitted. “Let’s get out of here.”

  Moving on, they found their way to the second deck, where they stopped at the railing and watched their departure. The ship chugged as it left the shore, and slowly the city’s skyline of multi-storey buildings shrunk and faded from view.

  It was a beautiful warm July evening. The fresh smell of the summer lake brought back memories of being at the cottage Ruby’s parents owned—a traditional rustic cabin on a large lake about an hour north of the city. Most summers her mother, brothers and sisters spent weeks on end there until school resumed. Watersports, BBQs and the smoky smell of late-night bonfires that got stuck in her nostrils were among Ruby’s favourite memories.

  The cruise ship, now at full speed, glided over the smooth lake. The full moon reflected off the glass-like water. The deck on this level consisted of a highly polished dance floor and a raised stage area that held speakers and amplifiers for the musicians that would serenade the dancers. Loud music blasted from the dance band, bounced off the water and disappeared into the night. The dancers were happily dreaming of possibilities and making new friends.

  Ruby spotted a great-looking guy leaning against the railing that circled the room. He casually sipped from a bottle of Red Cap beer. “Debbie, look at that hunk across the room in the white shirt and black pants. I wouldn’t mind dating him. He’s so handsome.”

  The moment she laid eyes on Jason, Ruby knew she would marry him. He was gorgeous like a movie star.

  Jason spotted Ruby at about the same time. He sauntered indirectly across the dance floor toward her. She blushed and accepted his invitation to dance. Her heart pounded when their sweaty hands touched.

  They flirted, danced, talked and danced some more. They were most definitely attracted to each other. His sensual cologne drew her closer to him. She became intoxicated with his irresistible fragrance.

  He was three years older than Ruby. At 19 years of age, he was also more exper
ienced, and she loved that about him. His Italian features, coloring and slim body sealed the deal for her. He had large brown eyes and dark brown hair that he combed back and held in place with Brilliantine. Jason had a cute little dimple in the middle of his chin that reminded her of her heartthrob, the movie star Robert Mitchum.

  Jason obviously said all of the right things to Ruby. They stole kisses, and he sneaked quick touches of her breasts in the dark shadows on deck. By the end of the evening, Ruby and Jason were enthralled with each other. Young love was wonderful. They stood with arms wrapped around each other at the deck railing and watched as the night-lit city sprouted before their eyes. Just before they docked, he asked for her phone number. Excitedly, she complied, hoping to hear from him soon—very soon. Ruby was certain she was in love like only a 16-year-old could be.

  She floated on cloud nine for days after the cruise. Her emotions ran the gamut of excitement, anticipation and then fear that Jason would never call. Ruby and Debbie frequently giggled and planned what she should say when and if Jason finally telephoned her. Many hours were spent rehashing the events of that blissful night on their wonderfully romantic cruise. She so wanted to contact him, but he hadn’t given her his number.

  Her summer job as a telephone operator for the local phone company helped keep her mind busy. She was a good student who liked school. She looked forward to pursuing a higher education and maybe someday having a job as a nurse. That was her vision of a perfect life.

  It had been a torturous two weeks of waiting. She ran for the hallway phone every time it rang. She was beginning to lose hope that he would ever call.

  “Hello?”

  Today she heard the voice she was wishing for. “Hi, Ruby, how are you?” Jason sweetly greeted her.

  A big smile spread across her face. “Hi, Jason. It’s so good to hear your voice.”

  “I’ve been really busy at work. I’ve had lots of overtime this past week.”

  They chatted for some time, mostly reviewing details of their conversation aboard ship. He correctly remembered all of the important facts.